|
How to Find the Love of Your Life
I
believe that all of us have a profound desire to find someone with
whom to have a deep and abiding, intimate relationship.
This search springs from a longing inside each of us to find
completion and wholeness with another person.
We fear what I we want most
Let's take a look at some of the obstacles to finding this kind of
relationship.
Fear of intimacy
We human beings are fairly complicated.
Many people deeply fear the very thing they most want. Striking a
healthy balance between a fear of and a desire for an intimate
relationship can be very difficult. When a fear of intimacy takes
over, people can become experts at relationship sabotage.
Faulty relationship radar.
Some people continually make the same poor choices of partner. It's as
if each of us had an "internal radar" that picks up "our kind" of
person. Whether your radar scans for healthy or unhealthy choices
depends on how it is set. How your internal radar, is set depends on
three factors:
1)
your self-esteem,
2)
the model of relationships set by the family in which you grew up and
3)
your own relationship experience.
Movies, literature and music
have given us the notion that "somewhere out there" is the one perfect
person for each of us. I'll probably get some letters about this, but
I don't think this matches reality. If you just look around, you'll
notice that many "perfect matches" are divorced within a few years.
In
one episode of the 1-V show "M•A•S•H" is a scene in which Hawkeye and
Margaret are sitting at a bar commiserating about their relationships,
which have just ended. One says to the other, "Our problem is that we
keep looking I for a perfect, tailored fit in an offthe-rack world.".
This is where a great many people get stuck. It's my belief that in
fact there are many people out there who have the potential to be a
"good fit" as a soul mate.
Chain relationships. In much
the same way that chain smokers will smoke one cigarette after
another, some people move out of one relationship and then immediately
into another'. These people are typically running from something and
have very little knowledge or sense of self when they are not in,
relationships.
Concentrate on yourself
Now
that we have looked at a few of the obstacles to finding a soul mate,
let's consider a few tips that might aid in the search.
Becoming the right person vs. looking for the right person
This means at least two things:
1)
developing yourself to the point that you become eligible to be
someone's right person and
2)
adjusting your own relationship radar so that you bring yourself into
contact with suitable potential partners.
The
truth of this has been borne out in my interviews with hundreds of
couples. When I ask the question "How did you two find each other?"
countless people say that, when they stopped looking and focused on
something else in their lives, their current partners just showed up.
It's an interesting paradox - finding by not looking.
Know what you are looking for
I
was on a radio program recently when a man phoned in to say that going
to singles meetings looking for a partner is like going to a used-car
lot to find a nice car. I bet he gets lots of dates.
That aside, a different car analogy is useful here. When we go
shopping for a car, we usually have a mental list of things we must
have in a car as well as things we would like to have. Sometimes, we
find one with many things we would like to have, but without one of
the must-haves. It would still drive OK, but it's just not for us.
Looking for a soul mate, it's important to know what you would like to
have and what you must have. That's a list worth developing.
|
